When Kids Think Parents Play Favorites, It Can Spell Trouble | KERA News

When Kids Think Parents Play Favorites, It Can Spell Trouble

Feb 23, 2015
Originally published on February 24, 2015 10:21 am

If you have siblings, you probably think that your parents liked one kid best — and you're probably right. Scientists say the family pecking order does affect children, but not always in the way you might think.

The vast majority of parents do have favorite child, according to research — about 80 percent. But that number sounds pretty darned high. So I decided to ask some kids in my neighborhood in Bethesda, Md., what they think happens in their families.

David Lewis, who's 10, is pretty sure there's a favorite in his family. He just isn't sure who it is. "It's either my older brother, who actually does things correctly, though he might mess up here or there, or me, because I'm awesome." His older sister gets to be the favorite sometimes, too.

"I think they love them equally," says Malcom Gendleman, 9. But his brother Eli, 11, says that even though he knows he really isn't being slighted, "sometimes I still feel like it."

What Eli said is important. It turns out that what matters most is not whether there is a favorite — it's whether the kid thinks there is.

"And that's the scary part," according to Alex Jensen, a psychologist with Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, who studies family relationships. "It's not just how you're treating them; it's how they perceive it."

Jensen looked at how teenagers' perception of favoritism affects their behavior. He found that the kids who thought they were getting less favored treatment were more likely to get into trouble, even if the parents were actually being fair.

"They were more likely to drink alcohol in the last year, to have used cigarettes," Jensen says. And the teens were also more likely to have smoked marijuana or used harder drugs. "So it's linked to some pretty serious stuff."

And the more that children felt they were being shorted, the riskier their behavior. Luckily for us parents, Jensen says there is a workaround.

In his study, he found that in families that were close-knit, with good relationships and not a lot of fighting, there was less effect from perceived inequality. "In families like that there's really no link between kids' perception and their behavior," Jensen says.

So as long as you love and respect all your kids, Jensen says, the fact that you like one a wee bit more won't matter.

Or you could try taking to heart the advice of my neighbor Malcolm: "Picking favorites, it kind of makes the other people who are not the favorite not feel as well — feel sad. That's why parents should not pick favorites."

An earlier version of this story ran in NPR's Shots blog. This version ran on NPR's Morning Edition.

Copyright 2015 NPR. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.

Transcript

STEVE INSKEEP, HOST:

Now, people who grew up with brothers or sisters know this complaint. They think mom or dad liked one of the kids best - Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Well, if you thought your parents had a favorite child, you may be right. And it turns out that what kids think about the family pecking order can affect their health. NPR's Nancy Shute reports.

NANCY SHUTE, BYLINE: Parents try to be fair and not pick a favorite, but researcher Alex Jensen says we really don't pull it off.

ALEX JENSEN: Data would suggest about 80 percent of parents, you know, really do have a favorite child.

SHUTE: Jensen is a psychologist at Brigham Young University who studies family relationships. That 80 percent figure seems like a lot, so I decided to test it out on some kids in my neighborhood by asking them if their parents had favorites.

DAVID: Yes.

MALCOLM: I think they love them equally.

ELI: Sometimes I'm not sure.

SHUTE: That's David Lewis, who's 10, and Malcolm and Eli Gendleman, 9 and 11. David's pretty sure there's a favorite in his family. He just isn't sure who it is.

DAVID: It's either my older brother, who actually does things correctly. He might mess up here and there. Or me because I'm, like, awesome.

SHUTE: Is there a favorite child in your family?

ELI: No, but sometimes I still feel like it.

SHUTE: What Eli just said there is really important. It turns out that what matters most is not whether there is a favorite, it's whether the kid thinks there is.

JENSEN: And that's kind of the scary part - is it's not just how you're treating them. It's how they perceive it.

SHUTE: Jensen studied how teenagers' perception of favoritism affects their behavior, and what he found was surprising. The kids who thought they were getting less favored treatment were more likely to get into trouble.

JENSEN: They were more likely to have a drink - alcohol - in the last year, to have used cigarettes, but also to have smoked marijuana or even used harder drugs. So, you know, it's linked to some pretty serious stuff.

SHUTE: And the more favoritism the kids felt, the more problems. Luckily for us parents, Jensen says there is a workaround.

JENSEN: Families that were really close-knit had really warm, good relationships. You know, these families didn't fight a whole lot. In families like that, there's actually no link between the kids' perception and their behavior.

SHUTE: So as long as you love and respect all your kids, the fact that you like one a wee bit more won't matter. Or you could try taking to heart the advice of my neighbor, Malcolm.

MALCOLM: Picking favorites - it kind of makes the other people who are not their favorite not feel as well...

ELI: Feel sad

MALCOLM: Sad. That's why parents should not pick favorites.

SHUTE: Nancy Shute, NPR News. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.