By William Holston, Commentator
http://stream.publicbroadcasting.net/production/mp3/kera/local-kera-844085.mp3
Dallas, TX –
This Father's day will be my first without a father. My 86 year old dad died on April 9. At his funeral I read a quote by Ken Wiwa, about his relationship with his father, Ken Sara Wiwa, a Nigerian Human rights activist. He wrote, "(T)he simplest and most profound truth I have learned is that you can never truly know who you are until you know your father."
Authors from Turgenev to Pat Conroy have examined this relationship. I'm still on my journey to understand my father and how the relationship impacted the man I am. We were very different men from very different times. My father was a member of what Tom Brokaw called "the greatest generation." He grew up in Alabama on a cotton farm during the Great Depression. At one point, he actually lived in a log cabin, with no running water or electricity. He knew what it was like to plow using a mule, and to pick cotton. Like lots of young unemployed southern boys he went to work for the Civilian Conservation Corps in a national forest, to send money home for his family. During WWII, He served as a navigator on a B-24 bomber in the South Pacific. At the age I was in college reading books, he was flying combat missions.
My Father reflected the characteristics of his generation. These were hard men from hard times. He was tough on my brother and I. He didn't lavish praise or affection. An instruction from him was not an invitation for debate. I think he viewed his job as father, not as being our friend, but instead, on preparing us for the world, which from his experience was a very difficult place. Because of the hard work and sacrifices of my father and his generation, I had the luxury of spending time on more introspective pursuits.
I also have two sons. I hope I've passed on some lessons from my father to my two sons - lessons like patriotism, a strong work ethic, and devotion to family. Some lessons I've tried not to pass on, like racial prejudice and emotional distance. I've made a real effort to find the things my sons are interested in and to be involved with them in those. That's meant some really late nights at indie rock clubs. They've probably almost grown tired of how often I tell them I'm proud of them and how much I love them. I don't think my father thought putting that in words was important, or maybe he just couldn't do that. My sons hopefully will not find it difficult to remember expressions of my approval and love.
After my mom died, my dad was grief stricken. I drove him back to Alabama to visit his family. When I got home from the trip, I sat alone and watched the movie, Field of Dreams. In the film, the character played by Kevin Costner, gets to see his father, as a young man, an enthusiastic young ball player with all of his dreams about life intact. I realized that I needed to look past dad's harsh exterior and try to see him as the man he started life as. I sat down and wrote him a letter thanking him for being a good dad. I told him I loved him. I'm glad I didn't wait to tell him that. This Fathers Day, if your dad is around, thank him for doing the best he could. He was a flawed person with the strengths and weaknesses of his times, just like me.
William Holston is an attorney from Dallas.
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